Alcohol use disorder affects millions of people and their loved ones each year. When a partner is struggling with alcohol addiction, it puts stress on the relationship and leaves the sober partner wondering what they can do to help. Should the sober partner also stop drinking to support their loved one’s recovery? This is a complex issue with no easy answers. In this article, we’ll explore the effects of addiction on relationships, the pros and cons of stopping drinking in solidarity, and healthy ways partners can support recovery.
Addiction impacts the whole family. Learning to support a partner in recovery is an act of love, but also requires looking out for your own needs. By better understanding addiction and its relational effects, you can make an informed choice about your own drinking. There are many ways to be an anchor for your partner without giving up alcohol yourself. However, opting for sobriety as well can strengthen your bond during the difficult road of recovery. With insight, compassion and good communication, you can make the healthiest choice for you and your relationship.
Understanding Addiction
Addiction is a complex disorder characterized by compulsive drug use despite harmful consequences (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/addiction). It is associated with changes in the brain that can lead to harmful behaviors. Over time, addiction affects parts of the brain involved in reward, motivation, learning, judgment and memory. These brain changes make it very difficult for a person to stop abusing drugs, even when the consequences are catastrophic.
Specifically, the brain’s reward system gets hijacked, causing the addicted person to compulsively seek out the drug. Over time, enduring changes occur in areas of the brain important for learning, memory, pleasure, and self-control. The person may find they have intense drug cravings or even uncontrollable urges to use the drug. Addiction makes it very difficult, but not impossible, for a person to control their drug use. With proper treatment, recovery is possible.
In summary, addiction fundamentally changes the brain, leading to compulsive behaviors that persist despite negative consequences. Understanding these brain changes helps explain why addiction is a medical disorder, not a moral failure or lack of willpower.
Effects on the Relationship
A partner’s addiction can significantly impact a relationship in many ways. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, substance abuse is cited as a contributing factor in between one-third and two-thirds of divorces in the United States (AAMFT).
One major effect is the erosion of trust. Addicts may frequently lie about their substance use, hide their addiction, and break promises to get sober. This pattern of deception can destroy trust between partners over time. As the HCRC states, “Lies, unexplained absences and bizarre behaviors quickly become the norm when a partner is caught up in addiction” (HCRC).
Communication also suffers. Meaningful communication requires honesty, vulnerability, and presence – all of which are hampered by addiction. Addicts are often unable to engage in open communication and may become defensive or closed-off.
Partners can also fall into patterns of enabling addictive behaviors. Enabling occurs when the partner inadvertently helps the addict continue substance abuse by lying, making excuses, or shielding them from consequences. Though intended to help, enabling prevents the addict from facing the fallout of their actions. This removes incentives to change. According to SAMHSA’s Helpline, “It is important that you set boundaries and stick to them” when a partner is addicted (SAMHSA).
Leading by Example
When your partner is in recovery, it’s important to model healthy habits and provide stability and support. Leading by example shows your commitment to your partner’s sobriety. According to The Recovery Village, sobriety allows people to be more present, patient, and emotionally available in relationships. By demonstrating these qualities yourself, you reinforce your partner’s recovery journey.
Make self-care and healthy routines part of your daily life. Eat nutritious meals, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Avoid drinking around your partner, especially early in their recovery, and don’t keep alcohol where they can access it. Develop new shared hobbies and activities that don’t revolve around substances. Your partner needs to fill the time once spent drinking or using drugs with positive pursuits.
Be understanding when your partner experiences ups and downs. Recovery isn’t linear. Validate their feelings, be an active listener, and emphasize all the progress they’ve made. Your unwavering support provides comfort during difficult periods. With you by their side modeling stability, your partner can continue moving forward in their sobriety.
Creating Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries and expectations is important when your partner is in recovery. According to an article on the Peaks Recovery Center website, “Setting boundaries with an addict is not meant to punish them. Rather, boundaries give both you and your addicted loved one a clear understanding of what behavior is acceptable and what’s not.”1 Some examples of boundaries you can set include:
- Asking your partner not to drink or use drugs around you
- Requiring honesty and transparency about their recovery progress
- Insisting they follow their treatment plan and attend support groups
You’ll need to have open and honest conversations to communicate these boundaries effectively. Explain why you are setting these limits and make it clear what the consequences will be if they are not respected. The key is being direct yet caring. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as this can be counterproductive in their recovery. Reassure them you are setting boundaries because you care and want to support their sobriety.
Social Pressures
Navigating social situations involving alcohol can be challenging for the sober partner. There may be peer pressure to drink in order to “fit in” or drink just to take the edge off. The environment itself may even be triggering with constant reminders of drinking. It’s important to have a plan ahead of time. Let your friends know you are abstaining from alcohol and ask them to support your choice rather than pressure you. Avoid people and places that encourage heavy drinking if possible. According to Laguna Treatment Center, bringing a sober friend with you to social events can help create accountability and resist temptation. Also learn techniques to change the subject or politely decline drinks offered. Your sobriety should take priority over giving in to others.
Seeking Support
It is vital for the spouse of an addict in recovery to seek out supportive resources. Getting help can provide an outlet to process the emotions surrounding a partner’s addiction and give practical tools for coping and setting boundaries. Support can come in the form of relationship counseling, support groups, and prioritizing self-care.
Relationship counseling specifically focused on addiction can help couples rebuild trust and communication. A counselor provides a neutral space to share honestly, get professional guidance on boundaries, and learn skills for forging a new dynamic rooted in recovery (Source). Working through underlying issues and resentments with a couples therapist facilitates healing.
Support groups provide shared understanding from others experiencing similar challenges. Groups like Al-Anon are tailored for loved ones of addicts. Members comfort and empower each other through listening without judgement. The community can motivate and inspire spouses through role models who relate firsthand (Source).
Self-care enables spouses to refill their own cup amidst the stress of their partner’s recovery. Taking time for adequate rest, healthy eating, exercise, hobbies, and social connection preserves mental health. It is vital to set healthy boundaries around supporting the addict in recovery without sacrificing self-needs (Source). Seeking counseling privately can also help process emotions.
Considering Your Needs
When your partner is in addiction recovery, it’s important not to neglect your own needs. Taking care of yourself should be a top priority. Assess any dealbreakers in the relationship and decide if you’re willing and able to move forward if certain conditions are met. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t live with.
Make self-care a regular part of your routine. Spend time doing activities you enjoy, make time for friends and hobbies, and prioritize your mental and physical health. Attend support groups like Al-Anon or therapy to process your emotions in a healthy way. Set boundaries and don’t enable destructive behaviors. You deserve to feel safe and happy in your relationship too.
Recovery is a long process that requires compromise on both sides. With open communication, professional help, and commitment to growth, you can build a healthy relationship. But don’t stay in an abusive or toxic situation – your wellbeing should always come first. Take things one day at a time and be compassionate yet firm in advocating for your needs.
Making a Plan
When your partner is in recovery, creating a roadmap for maintaining sobriety together is crucial. Identify goals you want to achieve, steps you need to take, and resources that can help. Some important elements to include in your recovery plan:
- Set boundaries around alcohol. Decide whether you will also abstain from drinking around your partner, only drink occasionally/moderately, or keep alcohol out of your shared home. Discuss boundaries openly. (SAMHSA’s National Helpline can provide guidance.)
- Remove temptations. Get rid of alcohol in your home and avoid situations that could trigger your partner, like bars or parties where drinking occurs. (7 Ways to Support Your Newly Sober Partner)
- Seek counseling. Consider relationship counseling or attending support groups like Al-Anon together. This provides tools for effective communication and overcoming challenges. (SAMHSA’s National Helpline)
- Have an emergency plan. Know what to do if your partner relapses, like removing yourself from the situation or calling a support helpline. (How to Support Your Sober Partner)
Having a structured plan lays the groundwork for supporting your partner’s recovery journey and your relationship’s growth.
Conclusion
In summary, supporting a partner in addiction recovery requires patience, understanding, and care. Setting boundaries, avoiding triggers, and finding new sober activities to enjoy together are all important. Your needs matter too, so communicate openly and seek support when needed. Focus on the path forward – you may face challenges, but recovery is possible with compassion. Most importantly, know that you are not alone. There are many resources available and an entire community who understands what you’re going through.
Moving forward, take things one day at a time. Have hope for the future and appreciation for each sober day. Recovery is a journey that requires endurance, but one filled with promise. With commitment from both partners, your relationship can emerge stronger and more fulfilling through the process. Stay focused on your love and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.